“I have to be mindful of the intention I’m gonna set for myself this year, it might just come true.” January, 2018
Those are the words that ended my last post, the sad, whiney and impatient rant from six months ago. Remember the one where I blamed the world for my luck and then finally came to my senses asking: “Or am I the impossible girl?”
Well, because life changes but not that much, I am back at my keyboard, with an iced coffee and my head full of questions for my heart. To you my dear reader, it is very important for me to say: I know I suck and I’m sorry. The last story I told you that wasn’t to promote something was… well, it was the Wolves in July 2017, basically a year ago.
I guess I can’t blame myself for not giving you a lot this year, since I did give you 300 pages to digest… This is why I have to tell you another super important thing: Thank you. Thank you so so so much for reading them and sharing your lives with me. You are the coolest crew out there, my #jbt ride or die.
Where do we go from here?
I think I have figured out why I’m so scared to write anything. Every single wish I wrote down since the Wolves, has happened. Every thought or doubt as to why, or how, or when… was answered somehow. I’ve made these situations happen. Somehow.
I’m just afraid now.
Consciously, I’m afraid to write shit. I am afraid you’ll read the book, which is fantastic thanks to years of work, millions of re-writes and an incredible editor. And then what if you read this and go WTF Christine?
Subconsciously, it’s a much, much bigger fear. It’s the fear of changes.
I’ve been delving into my own consciousness and analysing my reactions to change since a few mind-boggling interactions on my podcast. But, the reality is, that in the back of my head, little Christine is still at the center, thinking: Oh my fucking god, I’m moving back to Vancouver, what if the big bad wolf gets me?
I’m not referring to Liam, god knows where he is (certainly not in Vancouver) and he doesn’t scare me anymore. I’m referring to stability, to paid work, to paying bills, to sustaining sedentary relationships.
The contradictions inside me can be overwhelming at times. On the one hand, I’m so exhausted of moving around. The things I’m most looking forward to are having my own bed and going to dance classes. On the other hand, those same things could mean that I might to have to stick to one place, potentially one group of friends, potentially one person, potentially one self. Obviously none of the above is true. Everything is moveable and there is tremendous change to be had in a daily routine. But the anxiety, the anxiety of the moment before the leap: it’s great and grand and perverse.
My little heart might just catch a break, and be soothed, even if just a little. That reminds me, it’s been a while since I’ve told you about my little heart, hasn’t it? Well, it’s not come off the rollercoaster. Once the meaningless flings got repetitive, the mind just got a little better at spotting potential. Let’s do this, then. Let me share with you four love letters, that I could have sent, over the last year since the Wolves. Some of these people you’ve had glimpses of, unbeknownst to you, across my writing. Some of them you’re about to meet. I don’t know which stories I’ll tell you for sure, but these letters will have to do for now. This is what I’m ready to share. Bottom line for today is: love is everywhere.
Sometimes when you reach out, you can almost touch it.
All it took was one look at me for you to say “I’m gonna marry you one day.” I puffed of course. I laughed at the ridiculousness of you, and your cute eyes. I turned to Mike with laughter in mine. He was thoroughly enjoying seeing you stare at me in disbelief, as if I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I looked like shit if you ask me. I had just finished Cannes and couldn’t be fucked with my appearance. White T, jean shorts, hair in a bun and a touch of mascara for good measure. Still. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” you said, still not taking your eyes off of me.
I thanked you, perfect stranger, for the confidence boost and carried on catching up with Mike. He was telling me about this broad he fucked, turning and tossing her in the air in this acrobatic coitus he was so very proud of. “She weighs like 70 pounds, that’s nothing to be proud of hun. I could throw her around with one arm. Do that with me one day, then you can show off,” I chuckled to myself. Without me noticing that you’d heard me, you managed to slide your arm under me, throw me over your shoulder and take me away… We laughed so hard at you trying to bench me, that we fell down. As I stood back up and handed you my hand, I blushed looking at you with a strangely familiar compassion overtaking my stomach.
And then you left into the night and onto the ocean, never to be seen again.
Until that message shone on my screen, a whole year later…
We had six glasses of rosé on a Parisian street corner. I didn’t even know anything about you, other than your tattoos looked good in your Tinder photos. Before I got to the bistro, I was quite worried it was going to be a total bust. It was the biggest Tinder gamble I’d ever taken, but for some reason my gut said: “Go.” I tossed and turned on my way there, almost turning back. But you were a dream. You were a perfect dream, sitting across from me gesturing passionately. My Parisian time travel, to the seventies and Moroccan deserts. To music concerts we would never go to, and trips we would never take. We shared 24 hours of sun, silence and love that gave us both a boost. I sang as you strung on your guitar, naked on the floor of your Montmartre studio, with candles and wine. It seriously was like a movie. You stroked my leg, looking at me through the cloud of thick smoke emanating from your joint. I puffed on my super slims, high on music and your touch. We enjoyed the unlikeliness of good timing. Things just fell into place that day. You took me to the metro, and French kissed the breath out of me.
We made plans, perhaps knowing deep down they would never come true. That’s what fantasies are for, aren’t they? Dreaming.
You already know what I think about our story. I think you also know that it’s over. You made me feel so good, so loved, so accepted. You never batted an eye at my ridiculousness, at my free spirit. Not even when it went against all of your beliefs, and everything you wished for from me. You never wanted to tame me, or censor me. But you put me on a pedestal. It’s like you wanted to persuade me you weren’t good enough. You are. I’m just not the one for you. I will never be happy in the life that will make you happy. And that’s ok. Some places will always be ours, and some words will always make me think of you. The perfect date will forever be ours to keep. This trip, it will be ours to remember, as unlikely as it always was. You were just as crazy as me for a minute.
You will always be the one who made me understand that glimpses of happiness are just that. They are for taking, for enjoying, for embracing and living fully. Because life is short and honeymoons are just that: periods of time where everyone is pleased about something new.
Thank you for the kisses and the cuddles. Maybe one day I will write our story, and let the world in on your generosity. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to tell you what I truly felt when you held on tight at the airport. Fear, fear that I would never be the girl who stays. Fear that I would never see the really good men. Fear that I was fucking up. I just couldn’t help but feel like we came from different planets, and the stars aligned just for a minute, and then continued on their respective paths.
For now, let me say, you are a good man. One day, someone will be very lucky to have you. Keep being vulnerable and open, you are special.
I seriously don’t even know if I have the strength to type this story. You are the person who gave me the ending I was looking for, only to end it in the worst way possible. I more than likely needed it, so I have a hard time holding a grudge. I’m still confused over the meaning of you. I will likely know what it was all about whenever I bump into you again. Somehow I think I will.. I might not. The details of our story live in my notes, scribbled with infatuation… The intoxication was maximal; there was nothing casual about you. It was toxic addiction. That’s funny because you actually made me sick. You gave me more than I bargained for and I got burned. It happens, doesn’t it? I guess it has to, especially to me. You burned me, but we were reckless. It was quick, thankfully. The universe had mercy on me. But that bridge, those songs, will always remind me of you. I think the fact that we ended bitterly hinders my ability to process the meaning behind us. I can’t say that I will fondly think of you or that you were worth it… Because I don’t think so.
Yet you’re still there, like the night that looms over the morning, just before dawn. Maybe you’re the moon and I’m waiting for the sun. I just got confused after many dark nights. Thank you for not letting it go on, thank you for countering my crazy. I needed that, but I would never have had the strength to make it happen. I wasn’t fully myself yet, and for that I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m lumping your story with theirs… It’s not over our story. It’s just getting started. I guess you happened a year ago, so you started all of this. Your timing is neither dreamlike, not nightmarish. Your crazy exceeds mine, seems to always have had. I don’t actually know you though. I am discovering the idea of you, and therefore I think these love letters, they come from you. You are making me face it all, unbeknownst to you. Maybe because words are all we’ve got for now. Maybe that’s why I’m here writing this. Somehow, you are the catalyst to the stories that need to come out, conceivably to make some room…dare I say, in my heart?